Good riddance summer!

I typically love the summertime-my husband is home from work and we get to travel to see family. We eat, stay up late, and tend to buy things we don't need just because. Well this summer was different. There were days when I looked forward to running to the store for formula just to have time to myself. I quickly tired of eating out because it turned into an everyday occurrence. Any extra money we had went towards gallons upon gallons of paint...

We are still living with our friends. We really thought we'd be in our house by now but the bank is being very particular about the hoops we must jump through to get our loan. While it has been nice completing jobs we would have eventually gotten to, they are definitely not the things we would have chosen to do right away. Although we are still homeless and may need to consider going with a different bank to complete this process there is hope in the air. The start of Fall has brought with it clean crisp air that makes me look forward to the time I will soon spend on our freshly painted front porch with my family. Hope that by the time we buy pumpkins and it's nice enough to keep the windows open and not need the air on anymore that we will be enjoying our home. Our place that we've already put plenty of blood, sweat, and lots of tears into. 

Costa Rica

 The summer before my freshman year of high school I realized I had to make a change in my life. I had friends and went to church but something was missing, my faith was not my own-I had been going through the motions but my heart was not into it. Something finally clicked for me that summer and I thought to myself "people don't feel sorry for you when you are feeling sorry for yourself". It may sound dumb but it woke me up somehow. As a result I signed up for a mission trip to Kosova. I had never been out of the country before and I only kind of knew a couple of people that were signed up to go. This was beyond out of my comfort zone. Looking back I can't even remember what we were originally going to do there because a couple of meetings in my missions minister said the Kosova trip was off. They apparently had overbooked and no longer needed us where we would have been serving. Our team was disappointed but eager to learn of another opportunity that mysteriously presented itself. This would be a trip to Costa Rica to work alongside missionaries our church was supporting at the time, doing odd jobs they were not able to do themselves.
Our team was too big to stay with Rick and Debra, the missionaries, so we had to split up into smaller groups to stay with families from the church. I was excited to learn that I would be staying at their home. They were such genuine, selfless people and I looked forward to spending more time with them. The first night Rick and Debra gave us the rundown about what to expect, what we'd be doing that week, and gave us a tour of their house with the exception of their room which was off limits to us. As missionaries allowing multiple groups to stay with them throughout the year they needed a place that was just theirs.
I am sorry to say a lot of what we did that week is now a blur. I vaguely remember painting the church, spending time with the locals, seeing a volcano, walking through the rainforest, and learning how to salsa dance. These are not the things that stick out to me when I look back on that trip.
Like I said before, I was lucky enough to stay with Rick and Debra along with my missions minister Chris, another trip leader named Brad, and a couple of girls my age. The day we were scheduled to leave we were woken up by Rick screaming, "No Debra! Why God, why?" Still somewhat asleep and not realizing what was going on we stayed in our room until Brad ran in to pray with us. Still unsure about what had happened all I could think was, "Rick is hurt and needs help. Why are we not helping him?" Debra had died in her sleep and all we could do was pray for Rick. It was unreal. How could this amazing week we just spent with them end in such a tragic way? The rest of our team met us at the house and we waited around on the porch in disbelief about what we were experiencing. Our flight was later in the day so we tried to stay out of the way as Rick and Chris made arrangements. A couple of hours later Chris came to get us escorting us to Rick's room. There was something so personal about it. This was a room that none of us had been in and now we were invited to come in and stand around their bed as Rick held Debra one last time. Rick wanted us there, surrounding them to thank us for being there for him, for being his family.
I believe Debra was going to die that week whether we were there or not, but God worked it out so that Rick would not be alone. This trip, this amazing, life-altering experience opened my eyes to a God that cares about the details. A God that cares about his people. I just don't know how a person can experience something like that and think it was all just a coincidence. I fully believe we were meant to be there that week for something greater than what we did the days leading up to Debra's death.         

"The hardest job is the best job!"

Nothing you may read or learn from other parents about parenting can come close to preparing you for the real thing. Having a baby has really put things into perspective for me. I had all of these fantasies about what kind of mom I'd be but it wasn't until I actually became a mom that I realized that's just what they were, fantasies. Now I understand how a woman can go hours upon hours without bathing or eating. I've even had to put peeing on the back burner a couple of times...which I never thought I'd see as a luxury but it totally is! The first two weeks we had Harper at home were a little rough to say the least. I felt like a zombie. The 2 1/2-3hrs between feedings were just not cutting it. Do I try to rest, sterilize nipples, pump, clean the house, entertain guests, shower, check Facebook, take my medicine? It was not nearly enough time to do anything at all. 

 I have never experienced anything like this before and I don't regret it even the slightest bit. I am constantly in awe that my husband and I could create something so perfect. She has surpassed anything I ever imagined she would be with her sweet little face and growing personality. There is something so special about being a mom. Part of me feels bad for Joel because he didn't get to experience being pregnant and even now I see the bond I share with her that they just don't have. I secretly love it though. Sometimes I am the only one that can comfort her. Sometimes when I'm holding her over my shoulder to calm her she puts her head in my neck or even up to my face to be closer to me. I'm sure Joel will be her favorite soon enough but for now I'm going to take advantage of it.

All that to say it hasn't been picture perfect or anything like I expected and I'm tired a lot of the time but when I look at my daughter's face I am so thankful she's mine. God blessed us with something we will never deserve and I hope I never take it for granted. 

      

craft rooms

The area I will miss the most in our current house is my craft room. When we found out we were expecting I had to relocate and downsize so that the baby's room could be on the same floor as ours. I went from having a whole room to store my craft stuff in to a much smaller, oddly shaped area at the top of the stairs. I love it though. I had to be very intentional about where I put things and what I decided to keep.

When you have a lot to put in a small space I found it worked best to hang as much stuff as possible to conserve floor space. I used a pegboard on the back wall to hang my baskets on and tried to keep like things together. 

Although I really loved this space I am already looking forward to all the possibilities the next craft area holds...

having my baby

Harper Louise Willison

Born 9:01 am June 9, 2012

Weighing in at 6lb. 6oz.

I started having contractions at 6 am the Friday morning before she was born. That means I was laboring for 27 hours total...most of which were spent at home, without drugs, without control of my fluids, and as a result my husband may look at me differently.  Throughout the day the pain continued to become more and more unbearable. I kept asking when I should go to the hospital and the common response was when I felt like I wanted to die then I would be ready to go. Ok, that's helpful. I thought that moment came around 2 am so I woke Joel up sure that we would be staying at the hospital that night. I was wrong. After waiting in Triage while still in pain and then finally being checked after another 15 minutes of waiting we were told I was still only 1 1/2cm dilated. I wasn't near death enough apparently because they sent me home. They did give me a pill that didn't help me sleep or cut the pain but did however make me feel groggy. So we went home to continue laboring. I don't remember much after this point but Joel said it was pretty rough and that he may look at me differently now. I didn't think it was possible but the contractions did get worse and I wanted to die even more so than the first time so by 7 am Saturday morning I told Joel I was going back to the hospital and staying whether they wanted me there or not. When they checked me this time I had progressed to 7cm and they could tell the baby was breech so I went directly in to surgery and the baby was out 2 hours later. I really don't think I would have been capable of a vaginal birth when it was all said and done. I was so ready to get my drugs and just lay there.
We are constantly in disbelief that she is ours. You just can't imagine the love that you will have for your child until you finally meet them. No matter how much sleep we lose or how many diapers we have to change it all is worth it and when I look at her little face I just can't imagine our lives without her in it now.

Someone's Mother

Any day now I will become a mom. Last month a couple of people wished me a happy Mother's Day and honestly it made me feel a little uneasy, for lack of a better word. Yes I know I am technically growing my daughter inside of me at the moment making me a mom to be but to say that I am one already is beyond strange. Do I know the first thing about being a good mom? What it will take day in and day out to raise her in the best way possible? It makes me nervous to think I don't. I want to think it's something you figure out as you go. I have to believe that my being scared I will fail somehow plays into the bigger picture. As much as I try to plan and prepare before her arrival there is no possible way for me to feel ready for something I have never experienced before. 

Growing up I don't remember critiquing my parents' parenting style. I remember my mom trying to make the small things seem so important and doing everything in her power to get me where I wanted to be including coming up with the money for church trips and college. It was never about getting my way, it was more about the support she gave us at any cost. The love that she had/has for her 3 very different daughters knows no bounds. I never doubted my mom's love for me. That is what I hope shines through when she's my age, covering over years of things I think I should've done differently...that Harper will never question the love I have for her, that although we may not do everything perfectly as her parents we tried to keep what was best for her in the forefront...at any cost to us.  

we are not meant to live alone

"Share your life with the people you love, even if it means saving up for a ticket and going without a few things for a while to make it work. There are enough long lonely days of the same old thing, and if you let enough years pass, and if you let the routine steamroll your life, you'll wake up one day, isolated and weary, and wonder what happened to all those old friends. You'll wonder why all you share is Christmas cards, and why life feels lonely and bone-dry. We were made to live connected and close, as close as we all were for those few days in Alameda, holding one another's babies, taking turns stirring whatever's on the stove.

So walk across the street, or drive across town, or fly across the country, but don't let really intimate loving friendships become the last item on a long to-do list. Good friendships are like breakfast. You think you're too busy to eat breakfast, but then you find yourself exhausted and cranky halfway through the day, and discover that your attempt to save time totally backfired. In the same way, you can try to go it alone because you don't have time or because your house is too messy to have people over, or because making new friends is like the very worst parts of dating. But halfway through a hard day or a hard week, you'll realize in a flash that you're breathtakingly lonely, and that the Christmas cards aren't much company. Get up, make a phone call, buy a cheap ticket, open your front door.

Because there really is nothing like good friends, like the sounds of their laughter and the tones of their voices and the things they teach us in the quietest, smallest moments."

-Shauna Niequist

I love Shauna's books. You could read them every year and learn something new about life/yourself from the year before. I am definitely in a different place than I was the first time I read Bittersweet. I am pregnant and moving out of my first home, two huge life altering things and they are happening at the same time. Also, two things she has experienced and has written about. The excerpt above was a great reminder to me of why we are moving in the first place. We love the people God has brought into our lives so why wouldn't we want to be closer to them? To be able to walk to each others' house whenever we want. I don't take offense but I've come to realize when you live 20 minutes away from everyone you're not the first person they think about hanging out with. I know I've missed out on spontaneous girl time and Joel doesn't get to run with our guy friends as often as he'd like. These things may seem small but like Shauna writes, we are not meant to be alone and especially now I am realizing these men and women we have been blessed to meet are our family. They can't replace our actual relatives but for this short time in our lives we get to do life with them. How special is that? People that would not hesitate to stop what they are doing in a moments notice to help you. These kind of people are rare and if you get a chance to be near them, you take it.